I don't know which half of the pain eats me up day and night....the one which I know ,which am going through or the other half which I know is there but exactly can't define.I always wonder which half is waking me up from my midsleep and which half is making my mind work even in sleep .
I wonder if it is one relevant significant thing which is a problem and that big a problem in my life or is it numerous problems , entwined ,nicely chained to create the poison rope pulling my life and making me breathless.
Sometimes I feel am I being too weak to face the life ahead and these anticipation of bad events is just a psychological stigma to which I am getting attached and is becoming a habit within me ,,,,,has it become an habit of mine to worry for nothing?Is it true that am just procrastinating about things that might never happen,,,,am I too paranoid,,,,,,,,but then I think NO am not paranoid nor developing this hypocondriacity of being sad even when everything is fine.
At this point when I write all this I feel and wish if someone could read these lines above ,identify with it and give me more lines to complete my feeling ,my desire to be out of that scary other half which makes me feel lost, really lost.
I feel myself to be like one of the US Govt projects where in govt plans to encourage the individuals to plant seeds hence supplies good variety of helianthus/sunflowerseeds to lil kids like my daughter who are very eager to plant those seeds and keep talking and thinking about the seeds germinating into plants yet fail to do so because of the unavailabilty of other primary resources needed for development .Am talking about a fertile soil.Just as a fertile soil is needed to compliment a high grade variety of seed so is a sound balanced brain required to get the spring of life.Otherwise the brain goes haunted and life goes devasted.
As I wish to write the story of life I can pen down nothing but the agony my heart has,the fear that I have in raising my 3 yr old Sarah,Sarah has just seen 3 summers of her life yet this summer is going to be the real summer for her for this is the first time she knows what the sun is ,what the butterflies are,what the tulips are and how much of fun is it to watch a kite flying high up in the sky.
Little less does Sarah know about the fear that lie in the heart of that kite who can see how far away is it from everyone,lil does Sarah know of the pain the kite carries with it when it swaddles in the air with the direction of the wind.Sarah can never understand howmuch does the kite want to be on the ground with her foot all attached to the ground standing firm on her own with her feet firm on ground instead of being in the hand of some silly kid flying it and simultaneously being teased by the wind.But it can't help .It's the kite's fate .That is what a kite is made for while others envy its height ,others envy its free flight, kite keeps thinking about the moment when the compatibility of the boy and the direction of wind is lost it gets torn.....totally torn with no one giving a second thought about the same kite who everyone was watching and enving.....none comes for the rescue of that kite......no one even thinks about it.........anyways thats my problem that I think of the kite .........thats not Sarah's problem.Will Sarah be able to understand that her mom is just like her loving kite?But I know one day Sarah will be the rudder of my boat ,as nice a pathfinder as much as she is the polestar of my life now.
