Naomi was in Costco doing shopping for Bridget her three yr old birthday girl, who held her heart and soul ....sometimes all the sorrows of your life seem petite in front of the petite happiness that you carry in your heart......such was her state of mind .......Even though we have everything at times we feel nullified by one sorrow of life and sometimes even when there is nothing much left we are cheerful with the one possesion of ours .....which one between these is a more creative creation of God I dont know but which one is more painful sure does everyone knows...........is this all a mind game? she thought.Does thinking really makes a man and fate has nothing to do with it ?Or is fate everything and no matter how much we think and plan we land up with our fate or is it a combination of fate and action....the most difficult and pertinent question is how do we draw a border line where we start trying and when we stop trying?How she wished playing games with words can change her life ......but CHANGE in what way ?who is going to detect the RIGHT way her life can be in ......what does she not have ....what can she not afford ....why then the agony.....anyways she rolled her cart to the front candy aisle thinking not all questions can be answered and not all questions need to be answered even to ONESELF.

Bridget wanted the funky spider web pretzels and it was not even September yet Halloween was all over the counters.......children can have anything anytime they want and donot understand the complexity of the society.....if that is the right way of living and thats how we are born why are we put through the social system of being educated so that we loose all the charm and learn tough ways to deal with the hard life which we would not have faced ,the fierce competetion the burning jealousy which ignites the satanic intent in others because of our own competence level.Why can't we be left out in the group if we prefer to be .Naomi tried to stop her thoughts which was strange yet seems correct to her most of the times.She put the master of the scene at tht point the williwonka pretzels in her cart and moved ahead while Bridget dancing in front and back .Small things make life worth living and it is these small joys of life which becomes intolerable for people with small filthy heart to see in others.

I am OK consoled Naomi to herself and finished her shopping paying the 80 yr old lady at the counter who swiped the members card with her shaky hands .The lady said 'She(Bridget) is precious'' and yes how could Naomi disagree to this ......It is for her that the sun rises in her deep dark valley and the sun sets promising to rise the next day in Naomi valley.Off they went to the pizza counter to get the zillion favorite 6 cheese pizza for Bridget and a four berry sundae in the store .

There they sat and the lovely daughter enjoying her treat after so much of jumping and jiggling .Naomi sat near her watching people buying things from the store and then queuing to get some food .While her eyes rolled here and there it got stuck to the booth just infront of them .......The daughter grown up possibly a teenager,accompanied by the mom who is definitely Asian with a sad unseen fear polished on her face looking at the husband as a deer looks at the lion and the husband talking softly yet there was something quite scornful in the body language.Sometimes you just see it and know it .........thats how Naomi felt as an adult.The Man left and the woman sat there with her daughter having her treat.Even though a teenager she was a kid too unaware of the prevailing parental conflict.She offered her mom with utmost love a bite of the slice of so called heaven for her mom ....Mom could not gulp her sorrows meekly said no and the girl kept eating again unaware .Ye Naomi saw it ...She saw the tear drop which came out from the lady's eyes and how subtly she wiped it without letting her daughter know of the agony tht lay in her heart.How Naomi wished the lady could wipe her trauma her terror the fear of her life with the same ease,the same way .....how does life feel when you can't even express your needs owing to the effect it would have on someone else's heart.How can you stop a tear drop from rolling out of the eyes when it is just hot and warm to shed down .Does anyone understand how heavy does it feel to keep the warm tear drop in the eye and the agony in the heart yet keep working and keep loving ?Naomi understood it .She exchanged looks with the lady consoled her unsayingly yet seemingly with a lofty smile to believe in God.and then thanked God for all that she has .......most of all that she can cry as much as she wants.......and none would bother!!!Sometimes being alone is better than having people around and being alone.

Stringent strongest bond

Some people always remain in the memories...........as said by everyone death and beyond death........... everything lacks the capability to snatch away the beautiful personification that our heart beholds.Anything done truly and honestly becomes so strong that even if you sometimes lack the courage to stand for yourself it just doesnot...........No matter how near or how far,how existent or nonexistent a memory is if you love it  no one can wipe it .

Certain things in the heart are so strong that when your brain starts curbing on the path and cannot justify its non existence ,its own self esteem ,these memories........... words from these people help you get ahead in life.The relationship might be nonexistent at certain point of time in life and almost vanished but the feeling of niceness endured through all these years and richness added with the gradual indulgence of strong entwinement of bonding saves your life often .

Words are so strong  that it can make every emotion really fragile and every effort really futile but then no words can wipe out a good memory ............a good memory will always be a'' God memory'' ....whenever you think about the incident amidst all sorrows a natural unknown smile comes up and then you realize though not now but one day it was true ...true as the sun moon and stars existence, as  colorful  as the pink flamingoes and as honest as the first smile of a baby for its mother.

Your beliefs makes what you are ...has been heard so many times but who ever realises it is the ultimate winner....I donnot mean a success when  I say a winner...I mean some  peace and self justification to its very sense of living ,which in my opinion is even more necessary than success.

Temperament differs emotions differ situaitons differ but we all have those GOOD MEMORIES from one time or the other,One relationship or the other and love emerged ,genuinity shared defies all other stringent protocols in life........Who can wipe out a bond other than you on your own !!

Ever concurrent thoughts

Never healing ever failing

I thought how hard is it to try..........

but do u think I should die?

One love affair

n I dare

lands me no where

unseen emptiness here and there.

Smile camouflages the fragile heart

patience seals the state of art

brevity takes along this lone 

I wonder if I will be gone 

before all this is gone

Entire empire being mine 

looks like everything is fine

no one knows the feel of my life burn

I have no where to return

I put in everything honest 

twisted and turned my words come to me as pests

unable to survive 

no matter how hard i thrive

whose is the jurisdiction

in whose hands lie my diction

Making or Breaking..??

I wrote a small verse long back probably some 10 years ...This was the time when as an adolescent I was learning facts about life as well as seeing the world as I never saw before .Realisation is the process in continuum steadily since then ...now the old realisations have lost their charm but still remember few of the thoughts that always hit the shore like thunders in my mind .Penning down to check if anyone agrees or disagrees to my feelings as a BIG 'kid' ...donot remember all of it though.......!!

The two words flood my mind and

I really wonder

whether a thing is

made to break

or broken to be made

But these thoughts makes me mad !!!

Playing gimmicks is easy

but gimmicks does not make life easy

for life is not a child's play .

I really wonder together we will make or break

and making or breaking will

continue till my END

but

What flares my mind is

Shall we make bridges or barriers ....??

Shall we break barriers or bridges....??

And shall we break each others heart

or the thread that whines us

Or break the incompassinate misunderstandings between us .

What will be

WILL BE .

Making and breaking

being natures stringent law .

we ,a part of the universe

are to be within it ,

to wipe out each others flaw.

Countless happy moments....

Yes ...Sad moments are abundant but happy moments are no less.Sometimes when you analyse you might realise a small event which is sad is remembered every now and then ,related and co-related to various circumstances but how many happy moments do you remember and cherish evry now and then....Are you not indeed willing to agree with me when I say moments of happiness as well as sadness are like rain and then sun ...each of them being complimentary to one another and helps us in realising the importance of the other ....What I mean to say here is when it is scorching heat and there is a shower of rain everything feels so calm ,cool and nice but when it rains all day long do we like it ...do not we remember the sunny days....
By the above stated words I was in fact trying to justify the significance of a sad moment in life.The fact is happiness becomes monotonous and happiness disperses and gets diluted eventually but when there is a sad moment ,a deviation from the normal we tend to fight back and get it to the normal state which becomes a happiness for us .My words might seem too complicated so here goes a small example to support the statement... Supposingly,I am a very good athelete .....My legs are wings for me ....I win the first prize for a competition for being swift...I am HAPPY....two months pass .....happiness starts diluting ...the shine of the golden medal starts fading .....the certificate offered is shifted from my study table into the iron chest to join a hoard of other similar certificates ....so happiness gets diluted.....I suddenly get injured .....wings break ...cannot even stand on my leg......forget about running .......am SAD .....doctor comes ......treatment starts.....all ailments fail...me again getting in the whirlpool of sadness now I cherish those good moments when I used to run ...be the winner everywhere ......suddenly one day My legs respond to one medicine and I start healing ....finally I am back to the world with my wings ...ready to fly......I am overwhelmed with joy .....am Happy!!!

Now let us come out of the web of happiness and sadness .I have a bad habit of diluting the topic with which I start writing everytime....So forgetting all things let me help you in refreshing all your happy moments in life which remains in each and everyones heart but may be in one corner which we never visit ....So why not pull it now ....
Hey remember .....
First time when you felt Daddy is the strongest and the best....
Daddy is so tall that u have to stand on your toes to catch his finger ....
Daddy and you bathing together you asking daddy to kneel down so that you can put shampoo on his head....
Daddy taking you to your first movie in a theatre where you feel how can a TV be so big and keep searching for the sound and color buttons on the screen instead of watching the movie....
When you stood in front of the scooter while daddy driving it and blowing the horn when needed as well as when not needed...
When mommy gives you your first musical birthday card given by daddy for he cannot be with you and when you open it u hear all the wonderful universal birthday music but one last sentence which says 'from Bapa'
When Daddy gets you your first two wheeler and you are finally able to drive it all by yourself ...he sitting at the back....
When you felt for the first time that mommy is the most beautiful person ....
When you sleep in her arms and feel the softness and the warmth .
When she dresses you for the fancy dress competetion and you get the first prize...remember the smile on her face....
Remember when she comes to pick you up from school when you are in a new school......
Remembr when you helped her in baking a cake ...she unwillingly willing to let you do that ....and you feel great to have helped mommy....
When she sews dresses for your doll out of her own clothes...
When mommy gets you the first shoe with heels....
When you take mommy for a ride on your new bike ....
When you wear mommy's saree for the first time for your school fairwell and mommy saying''I am sure you would be the prettiest one today''
When you give her your first earned money out of the summer training projects....hey rememeber those hands full of blessings ....
When you go to see your little brother in the hospital the first time wondering is he also going to be with you for some more time so that you can play with him...
When your brother tells you that you are one fat hog but defends you in front of your ever teasing friends...
When your brother comes and wants to sleep near you and you pushing him out with a wish that he comes back again so that you both can again fight and some more time passes by without dullness captivating the house....
When your brother becomes taller than you and stronger than you holding your hands yet not hitting you even when you hit him....just smiling simply smiling ...oh what a smile was that I forgot the world indeed....
When your cousins would come home for summer vacation ...
When you and your cousin happily fed the cow on the road with papaya plant and other flower plants which your dad had newly planted(ONLY because daddy scolded you)...
The ocean of laughter for nothing shared with your cousins when the tummy hurt to the last extent .......
When you show your watch to a friend in school when teacher is scolding her only because inscribed on the watch is ''Who cares''
When in school the teacher in class thinks you are one good dude but you answer looking at the book under the desk....
When the class claps for you ...cheers you at your success....
When you go on your first study tour ........only friends and friends around .......no one to put a halt on the ever continuing sharp talks and jokes.
Remember wiping out the sweat after a loaded presentation....
When your granny tries to do you a hairstyle of her time ....
When she tries to peel the mango for you with a feeling that you might eat the peel as well for you are too small when you are not ...
When she tells you your childhood stories of what you did and said as a kid ...
Most of all remember the moment when your prince stepped into your life....
The love of your life..... unsaid unspoken yet true love brimming out of the eyes....did your world not stop for a moment.......
The first person who makes you feel you are the only one he has been waiting for ....the only person who can understand him ....the first proposal ...the first touch ....time on its golden wings ...fleeting with subtle wings .....
remember he looking at you, willing to be near you,longing for your presence ..... yet unable to say it out....
You dressing up for one hour for a 10 minutes possible encounter....and that 10 mins turns into a longer one....
You going out together ...for the first time hand in hand without thinking of what the world feels .....
Then the ever cherished moment.... you become a part of his life and so does he .
Hey I remember it all ...........How about you .........add some to this if you are willing to .......I would be happy to read them......

nameless/fateless

Long time and even though wembelling thoughts resurrecting my heart, whining my brain yet an inability to write regularly is exactly how I potray myself on the face of talents.Just now when I opened the sheet the page displayed showed title heading and then the writing font screen ........it made me think how does one write and how should one write and what is the right way of writing............should the name /title be given first and then story continued as per the predicament or should the overflowing thoughts be elicited on the page and then carefully scrutinised to give the heading ........what do most people do and what do great writers do........is not there a general way of doing it ......is the general way of doing it the right way of doing it or is the uncommon way of doing it makes the wriitng popular .......can someone go back in the middle of writing and name the article and then keep writing again.....what would readers like to read.........how would they know what was written first and wht made the article end the way it did.......will the lil facts or bigger fictions entice them .......words poured out enthrustingly elude them or they will just not find it appealing coz it just doesnot match there experiences or it wont suit the temperament with which they are reading .........why is a good writing bad if the reader has a different notion and what is the fault of the writer coz he is not the one who chooses his reader .........reader is the one who chooses him and in this random picking why is the writers ability being questioned without he having a say or control............finally i was wonderingis not the above facts all so true for LIFE too .........we just don't have control over things that happens to us........despite of whatever we do why do we have to bear fruits of felony even though all we have done is nurtured

hurt

When do you think you were hurt the last time?I know everyone knows a mental state of issue is always more relevant than a physical one but can we also compare the mental agony received from an event to yet another .Is there a way to measure if the incident was trifle so the way we reacted was different from the one where we were MORE hurt.........can we actually define that more/less state .Everytime I am hurt I try to pacify myself thinking this is not the worst that could happen so I have to build up the courage to pave my life and move ahead but sometimes life feels so stuck .No matter how hard you try you can't just forget the past nor can you deal with the present both of it hurting just the same way ,not a bit forgotten and not even a bit healed.

I once read a book WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO and it seemed like eveyrone could justify their own actions and could pose a rationale behind their deeds but when you thrust on the nerve cords it feels many a time that there are so many things around us which are in absolute terms wrong yet happening .So that keeps me wondering who is in charge of the occurence- the one who did ,or the one because of who that happened or God without whose wish nothing can happen ...........what I ponder over more is who is going to stop it and WHEN/HOW.

Sometimes when we look around we see our problems have the same characteristics which we have THEY ARE SO UNIQUE.Why can't God give us same kind of problems if he created us all the same way even though unique in our own way .If you counteract me by saying that problems are cause of our deeds then God gives consequences then I wonder why God does not control the matter from the beginning rather than watching and waiting .

Who did we learn the art of hatredness from ?our mother ?our friends ?certainly not but we definitely have it inside us just the prospects change so I wonder who created it and who taught it to us ?Why does everyone have to be mean in their bigger and littlER ways ?is that the only way of surviving a contented life?I have so many thoughts in my mind now but not a single answer ?

the drop of rain

I got down from my SUV and a drop of rain fell on my hand just when i came out.Flashed in did the sight of the blue umbrella that I keep in my car .My daughter not only the ruler of our heart but also the primeminister of our home would cry not only at the drop of a hat but also at the drop of a rain.........hence the umbrella......thats when i began wondering how many drops of memories does this rain drop bear in it for me.
Which drop would be a drop in your memory later i do not know but i wish to narrate drop by drop .........it was the fall of 99 when i finished my college and went to the college on a'' if not but yet''kind of rainy day ....no rain anywhere yet loads of those in heart as it was the result declaration time .......I always knew what kind of a student I am and believe it or not even though it sounds strange I always had a book where i wrote my marks ad the final percentage even before I got my results and unfailingly it matched everytime ........I know what I am sounds like a too much of egotist but yes I am not shy to say i do believe in myself and God has never discriminated this thought of mine but people judge you by your past rather than by your future so result declaration is one time when it is record keeping time and raising your credibility for the ones who have HOPES on you.Not that I am after some kind of accredition from Harry/Sally but yes there are people who I want to see happy and hearty.And if my actions could be a way of happiness for them I would not resent from the activity .........so here you go my results as mentioned in the diary of mine ............I thanked god for not being judgmental on my confidence and making the writings go through a decent verification with a desired percentage.
Now I come out and hug my mom standing outside unable to say that your fear is my love and I have to take it form you everytime you have one!!just then i realise one drop of water fell on my hand and then it started raining all of a sudden .Even though sounds dramatic things sometimes happen that way dont you believe it ?and even to this date I donot know if that drop on my hand was a tear from her eyes or a raindrop because with tht drop of water on my hand it was an outburst from both the sky and the eyes .....the brevity of the moment didnot let me realise who reached me first.......who touched me first yet that was one drop i would never forget ................

second story:
I was deeply and madly in love with him and he would look at me and smile at me everytime it rained for we shared the same flair for big words and sayings and our brains just worked in such similar ways not to mention once read together a thing we could relate instantly with just looks.........so everytime it rained he looked and reminded me that our love fable is exactly like the popular quantification of love where in he loved me as much as the drops of rain that fell on me and very well knew that I loved him as much as the drops of rain that missed to touch him........so this was another afternoon hour when we both sat not hand in hand but eye on eye .I dont know but I really wonder how can man be that emotionless, that stagnant that he can't read your emotions while he talks ............how can someone talk all the illogical things of the whole world and try to justify it and how can the other person pretend all the time as if nothing has happpened and let go just because she loves him.........this time he spoke about the new girl in his college .........the new girl who was not so charming yet looked fascinating as she hurried into the practical class totally drenched in rain .I did not really understand what to do..........if I resent to something the answer would be I have nothing in mind thats why I could be so frank else I wud hv hidden it had I got things in my mind ...........if you tell me before you kill me are you not killing me ......is that not a sin and can be justified as a bliss.........does that make my pain less ........i think it makes my pain worse for me dying is one thing and me knowing that you are the cause of my death is another thing.........I didnot say a word to the swift flow of one sided discussion and fun that happened that noon but I came home and could not stop imagining the droplets of rain that fell on her ..........the cajoling of her hair on her cheeks and the looks of thoughtless emotionless boys around.............yes readers you have every right to think of me as being paranoid to things .....little things but little things one by one are the biggest contributor of collapsing a relationship thats why they say a stitch in time saves nine...........by that evening I had absloutely realised m not able to spun the threads and weave the relationship well to hold it for lasting a lifetime ...........nor did I have the patience to hear of these little things anymore for my heart was too little even for the littlEST thing after so many little things and I decided to make this the last one .................called him up to end this and he would not even respond properly for he was busy with some college performa coming up.........Anyways I ended it.............I tried to atleast ...............and kept on thinking abt the emotionless relentless ,unthinkable heartless mind of a man wherein he cant stop his instincts and I wonder why rain is so popular ..........anyways i had to stop I knew that even if we could not talk ..................and then one day he called after i had hail cheeks with frozen tears inside me unable to come out anymore .........I didnot respond anymore ...............and went to the balcony to watch the rain ...........the rain which swaded away my love story even though it was not at fault,It was just an occurence .To this date I don't know if I ruined the relationship or he did but I sure do know the rain drops played a cynosural role.I dont blame him for anything more and myself for anyting less but one thing was sure we were not compatible in the emotional scale.

The rust on me

How do you feel when you think of rust.......thats exactly what I am .I am not there originally but born over the years of mishandling and misuse perhaps also due to negligence and nonacceptance.The oxblood of rose might look pretty to everyone but the red on me is so not encouraging .No one sees me bleeding but eveyrone admires my complexion when the sun at dusk takes my color.Why am I so underappreciated and treated as junk when I am not a creation of my own I am here because this is what you made me and now you dont want me.......WHERE DO I GO?
I remember myself as a child fortunate enough like you my dear reader who had hands to hold ,shoulders to lean and hearts full of love to swade away all my pain.Amidst all this was the decision ,The decision of giving away my heart, lending my soul